Only Human
by CitrusVeins
Summary: Ignoring Kirishima's call, he slunk into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He peeled his mask from his face, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes to combat the growing pressure in his skull. It had been a bad day. He had failed catastrophically and everyone - everyone - knew.


**Warnings: Panic attack and minor character death.**

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His gauntlets clattered to the floor with a dull thud as soon as he entered the apartment, leaving the door open as he stalked inside and towards the bathroom. He vaguely heard Kirishima call his name from the living room, but he couldn't focus on anything beyond the rushing in his ears and the sickening weight on his chest. Bakugou's mind was on autopilot - it had been since he left the scene without returning to the agency, without attempting to talk to the media, without assisting in the final stages of damage control.

When the last villain fell, everything else did too.

Ignoring Kirishima's call, he slunk into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He peeled his mask from his face, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes to combat the growing pressure in his skull.

It had been a bad day.

He had failed catastrophically and everyone - _everyone _\- knew.

Collecting himself as much as he could, Bakugou turned away from the door towards the shower and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Suddenly everything was cleared and his vision focused. Reality came crashing down onto him with an icy grip, but it wasn't the haunted eyes or the figure looking older than he was that did it. It was the blood.

There was so much blood.

_Her blood_.

It saturated everything - his gloves, his shirt, his pants. Bakugou could see it clinging to his exposed skin; on his neck, his face - everywhere. He could see it, he could smell it, he could feel it, and it made his skin crawl. The blood had fused with him as a painful reminder.

The heaviness in his chest became tight, constricting his ribs and squeezing his lungs until it was a fight to take in a breath of air. Bakugou ripped at his clothing, frantic breaths exploding from his lips as he tore away layer after layer of soiled and _tainted _material. Fumbling hands reached for the taps on the sink, turning the hot water on as high as it could go and he scrambled for the bar of soap sitting on the ledge. His skin was scrubbed at viciously, the hot water tinging the flesh pink and his nails dragging along the dried and flaking blood when the soap was failing to remove it. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," came his garbled mantra, throat clogging with tears that he was trying to blink back as quickly as they came.

A hand was suddenly placed on Bakugou's bicep, firm and reassuring, forcing Bakugou to freeze. A voice was speaking to him in an even tone, and fingers that he recognized as Kirishima's began prying the soap from his hand.

Bakugou could feel his head pounding with each rapid heartbeat and his vision blurred and swam with the tears that escaped, leaving scalding trails on his cheeks. "I can't breathe," he rasped out, to Kirishima, to no one. His hands were shaking as he gripped the edge of the porcelain to steady himself, knuckles turning white from the force, but his knees still buckled beneath him sending him to the ground. A sob tore itself from his chest. "I can't fucking _breathe_!" he choked out, curling in on himself and hunching forward until his forehead touched the floor. He could hear Kirishima still talking as he rubbed his hand up and down his spine, but all Bakugou could focus on was the burning of his lungs and the blood.

_So much blood_.

He had sat there uselessly as she bled out over him. Sat there and listened to her beg and scream and cry as she died in front of him. Crushed by debris, forced to die slowly and painfully as a _hero_, someone who was supposed to save her, just watched.

Bakugou raised a fist as the memories flashed through his head on a loop, slamming it into the tile violently. He opened his mouth to let out an anguished scream, but no sound followed. He hurt. He _ached _\- his head, his chest, his hand, his heart. He had truly and royally fucked up and it wasn't him who had to pay the price.

Heroes can't save everyone. Bakugou knew that. He had never lost someone he was supposed to save, but he figured if and when it did happen it would be the result of a natural disaster or some event he couldn't possibly have stopped. Not a piece of building that only landed on someone because he couldn't get them out of the way in time. Not a piece of building that he couldn't move without using his quirk. Kirishima would've been able to get the woman out. _Deku _would've been able to get the woman out. Bakugou would've incinerated her if he had even tried.

Bleeding to death was better than burning.

Slowly a hand closed around his fist, holding it to the floor so he couldn't strike it anymore. Kirishima's hesitant fingers gently entwined with his as he uncurled his fist, allowing the other squeeze back comfortingly. The hand on Bakugou's back had travelled to his shoulder and Kirishima applied just enough force to get the blonde to unfurl from his hunched-over position. With their fingers still linked, Kirishima brought Bakugou's hand forward to lay flat against his chest. His free hand made itself busy wiping away the tears, smudged eyeliner, and blood from the blonde's face. All the while, the red eyes were locked with Bakugou's, demanding his attention.

And finally, over the wracking sobs and frantic, panicked thoughts, Kirishima's voice was clear.

"_Breathe_."

Bakugou felt his hand rise and fall when Kirishima took a slow and steady breath as an example. "Just take some deep breaths and breathe, Kats."

A shuddering breath came tumbling out and Bakugou shook his head. "She _died_."

Kirishima nodded and the expression in his eyes changed from concern to sympathetic understanding. "I'm sorry," he said earnestly.

"I wasn't fast enough or strong enough to save her." Bakugou flexed his hand against Kirishima's shirt, trying to focus on the heartbeat thrumming beneath his fingers. "She watched me _try _to save her. She had to die watching me fucking try and fail to save her. I was so pathetic a-and useless and—"

"Hey, hey. Stop." Bakugou stopped his ramble and the two sat in silence for a few moments before Kirishima started to speak again. He dragged his fingers gently through Bakugou's hair, tilting him forward so he could rest their foreheads together. "You are extraordinary." A surprised scoff left Bakugou before he could stop it, but Kirishima continued on. "You have been told that nearly every day of your life. You work hard, you're talented, you're passionate, and you're successful. But I think because of that, you haven't let yourself be human. Humans fuck up. They fail."

Bakugou's heart clenched in his chest because he knew Kirishima's words were true, he just wished they weren't. He sneered and attempted to push himself away, but Kirishima held firm. "Hero or not, humans aren't perfect. It's impossible to be perfect. And that's okay and you're going to _be _okay when you accept that, but you have to be kind to yourself. You have to be patient with yourself."

The words weighed heavily on him and it felt as though rocks were piling up in the pit of his stomach. Kirishima was right. Bakugou wanted to be perfect. He wanted to never fail, he wanted to succeed, and certainly never wanted someone to die on his watch. The reality of the situation, however, was that he did fail. Kirishima had told him once that he was allowed to mourn his mistakes and shortcomings, that he could be hurt and bothered by them, but he had to accept what happened and forgive himself if he ever wanted to move on and do better.

He wanted to do better.

"She died, Ei," Bakugou whispered again, closing his eyes when Kirishima nodded.

"She did," he agreed.

"I couldn't save her." Gradually, Kirishima's arms circled around Bakugou and he tugged him to his chest. Tears burned at Bakugou's eyes again as he returned the hug, grabbing fistfuls of the back of Kirishima's shirt.

There was a pause before Kirishima responded and his arms tightened around Bakugou just a fraction.

"You couldn't. But you tried and you're only human."


End file.
